My First Birth Story

Looking back, I don’t think I ever saw myself as a doula. I can’t even really think of a time in my life where I thought I’d be a birth worker. I had, during high school, considered nursing, but that didn’t go anywhere.

I didn’t even know what a doula was until I was pregnant with my first baby and a friend had told me about them. I owe a lot to that friend; she really influenced me to research and know more about birth and educate myself. And while I didn’t dive too deeply into things, I was planning an unmedicated hospital birth and I had interviewed a doula who was training. We took a birth prep class and I mentally prepared to go over my “due” date. When the day finally came (three days past my due date) I labored at home until the 5 1 1 rule was met and we headed in. I was more than ecstatic to be 6 cm. We got admitted and I continued to labor mostly upright. I did some swaying with my husband, tried the toilet, and, unfortunately, because I had been laboring since about 4 pm and it was now about 4 am, I was exhausted and I laid in the bed. My doula had never answered her phone, so we didn’t have the extra support. I think this was my downfall. Things were getting intense and I ended up asking for the epidural. I don’t regret that decision though. I had made it to 7.5 cm and was hitting transition. The relief was so welcome and I was able to sleep for about 2 hours. Around 7:45 am, I was checked again and was complete. My OB was going to come in and break my bag of waters. Right before she came in, they ruptured on their own (yay!) and I soon began pushing at about 8 am. 45 minutes later, my sweet daughter was born (8:46 am). She was so little and so sweet.

The memories are all a bit blurry and I don’t exactly remember what I felt in that moment. I was excited, exhausted, overwhelmed, and terrified. I had a third degree tear that took a while to get all stitched up.

It was less than a week after she was born that I started to go down hill mentally. I would sob. I felt despair. I felt hopeless. It was absolutely terrifying. I would cry and cry for my husband. He had to go back to work a few days after our daughter was born, but luckily my mom was staying with us. I had also began to pump exclusively because we were having a hard time latching and my anxiety was awful.

7 days after she was born, I went back in to see my OB. My stitches didn’t seem to be healing right and I was in a bad spot mentally. We were able to get my antidepressant dose upped a bit to see if that would help. She took a look at my stitches and definitely agreed that something was not quite right down there. I ended up having to go to the hospital for surgery that same day to have my tear repaired. It was awful having to be away from my baby and staying the night at the hospital was no fun.

After that, things started to get better, little by little. My mom lived several states over, so I was dreading her having to leave. But I knew we would have to rip the band-aid off.

I did a lot better mentally after about 3 weeks, thank goodness. But now I am a huge advocate for maternal mental health and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. They are a lot of what shaped me into who I am today and a big reason why I became a doula.

Looking back on this birth, I wonder if having the epidural may have contributed to my PPD. I felt so disconnected mentally from what my body was doing physically. My brain had a hard time making the connection. It took a while for me to feel bonded to my baby. I absolutely loved her, but I felt distant in a way. No one ever had told me that sometimes you don’t feel that burning, passionate, overwhelming, all-consuming love for your baby right when they are placed on your chest. That was something that caused me some guilt as well. But now I know and I shout it to the world. It’s OK if it takes a while to feel bonded or connected. Sometimes that transition to motherhood is hard and scary and overwhelming. But please know, you are never alone. You deserve love and help and someone to talk with about what you are feeling. I hope I can be a listening ear if you ever feel like you are in that place.

Postpartum Support International is also an amazing resource. They have volunteers that will answer the call for help from mothers who need a listening ear as well. They have so many amazing resources.

If you are able, I highly recommend a postpartum doula and making a postpartum plan to help lessen your load during such a big transition and transformative time. You deserve it.

No matter what, my message is this: You are not alone. You are worthy of help and love. Build your community. Find your support. Make a plan. I promise that there is help and love there for you. Please ask for help if you need it.